Crystal's Story - The path to new beginnings

Everyone has a story to tell. Not many, that I know of anyway, start from conception. My mom and dad had me while they were quite young. Abuse was prevalent in their homes while growing up so perhaps it was just a norm. Dad would beat my mom especially her belly in attempts to abort me. I am not sure all the details. Although I am sure those will come with her story. Mom left dad. Dad went on to abuse the other women in his life.

Mom met my brother’s dad. Now, it wasn’t always bad with him, but it got worse as time progressed. I can’t say that I recall EVERYTHING that happened, but I do have memories and the rest has been told to me over time. Charles was quick to anger. I remember lots of dishes being thrown and smashed on multiple occasions. I also remember shards of the destruction ending up in the bottom of my feet. Past that I can’t remember much of the physical abuse. I am not sure if that is a trauma response or because it didn’t happen in front of us kids. I do know that we ended up leaving when Charles pulled a gun on mom. In between those 2 events I know we left 2 other times and going back. Probably on broken promises but I am not sure the details. When we finally left for good, we ended up in a women’s shelter. We weren’t there for long, but things didn’t really end up getting better. We moved to a halfway home. Mom’s new boyfriend lived there (if I remember he was the house manager or something). I made friends okay with some of the kids that lived there and the boy next door. Over the course of time living there one of the residents took to molesting me. This is where much of my trauma exists. Mark would wake me up in the morning but touching me inappropriately. He would groom me by getting me breakfast in the morning, usually a bowl of cereal, and tell me that everything was our secret and if I told anyone he would hurt/kill my mom and my brother. This lasted for a year before I finally told my mom what was going on. To make things worse he was also sexually abusing his own daughter who was only 4 years old at the time.

I was put into therapy multiple times to deal with the sexual abuse. This is where I have developed some of my trust issues. I heard, from every therapist, “Anything you say will stay in the room between you and me.” No sooner would I be in the car would Mom regurgitate everything I talked about in that room. This only exacerbated my distrust in others especially people I have only just met. To this day I have a hard time with the idea of talking to a therapist or a counselor.

The aftermath of the sexual abuse landed us in Jackson. The results from court were devastating. Mark got away with the abuse. Mainly because at the vulnerable age of 10 I was too petrified to testify in court. The abuse didn’t end there. Mom met her next husband here. While no physical abuse happened here there was plenty of emotional and mental abuse that occurred. I often was being screamed at for some small infraction. I still recall getting into trouble for one of his pet fish dying. I had nothing to do with it and I was in school when it occurred. I spent much of my teen years grounded. I wasn’t allowed to leave my room. We, on many occasions, would be nose to nose nearly physical. At one point I was kicked out of my home. This is where I went and lived with my dad for a while.

Living with dad brought some reprieve. I was allowed to be a teenager again. I could go out and ride bikes with friends and be social. Things were usually pretty good but dad… Well dad has always been, and will always be, a drunk. Dad only ever spanked me once, but he was very physical to his girlfriends (as well as wives). He is a womanizer and was always cheating on them. While I was living with dad, we lived in my grandmother’s home. I had a special relationship with her until the day she passed.

Things weren’t always great with Dad. I remember having to call Mom because as we were moving out of Grandma’s house Dad got upset about some pantry items and who was taking what. Dad pinned Grandma into a corner and got very violent with her as well. This was right before Christmas. Mom brought me back to her house and Dad and I once again went separate ways. This is how it goes for the rest of our lives. He will show up and try for a little while then he will disappear again. Usually in the premise of some major act of grievance that I have committed.

Throughout middle school and high school, I dealt with bullying. I was raped twice at 18 before I met my now ex-husband. I met Alex in February of 2003, we got engaged April of the same year, found out we were expecting, got married in May of 2003 and then delivered our oldest of two children in December. For the following 17 years I dealt with gaslighting, manipulation, emotional and mental abuse. I attempted to leave on multiple occasions but stayed on the promise of “lets work on making things better” or “lets stay together for the sake of the children.” All the while I was pushed away and isolated from my family. He spent most of his time drinking like a rock star and partying with his friends. If I went out with friends, he would constantly call me and “check in” with me. It made it difficult to enjoy any of my time away.

During the pandemic shutdowns I lost a job I loved, I lost my marriage, and I lost my marital home. At first, I was devastated. It took a long time for me to really feel like I was on the path of new beginnings. I jumped into another toxic relationship. It didn’t take long to see the red flags. After 8 months and a ruined birthday I broke it off with him. It involved calling the police, but I made it happen. I am now with my Bruce.

Bruce has been so amazing for me and my children. He will see when I am struggling with my past. He will listen to me “vent” about it for awhile and then he will say “baby, I am so sorry you had to deal with all of that. But that was the past and now we are going to leave it there.” To many that may sound insensitive but to me it really does help. I have been so much happier. I am able to see the toxicity of my past, talk about it and then move on. He has even helped my children come out of their shells. They will talk to him about their struggles, and he listens to them. They may not see it like I do but they talk to him more and more. He and I will discuss these conversations when they are not around, and we will share in our amazement of how much they are trusting him. Whether they see it or not. While he and I have only been together for a few months we have been friends for many years.

There are many other fine details I could go into, and I am sure I may over time. In the meantime, it is all about moving on and moving up in this world to become the badass super mom I know I am.