I want my story to be told, because I know there are 50 million other adults (80% of those being women) that suffer from the same autoimmune diseases I do.
Back in 2013, I was doing it all. I had just settled into a new job, I was training in 2 different types of martial arts as well as my first half marathon, and when I wasn't doing any of that, I was doing yoga like it was going out of style. I was excited and happy with everything my mind and body were doing, and all I could think of was trying to do more to be stronger, better, or faster.
Then in January of 2014, my first symptoms of fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue came on with the extreme bout of cold that hit the midwest. All of the things that I was striving for started to come tumbling down. The pain in my joints and muscles made running miserable, and martial arts training made my body hurt even worse. The only thing that was lucky for me was that I could point to a family history of autoimmune diseases which allowed my own primary care physician to diagnose me with fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue almost immediately, (although I often wonder if he finally agreed just to stop me from coming in to see him on a regular basis that year). Many people go through years of suffering and multiple doctors to finally get their diagnosis.
Regardless, the first year I still pushed forward, trying to figure out some semblance of a routine that could allow me to get to even a fraction of the goals I was striving for. It didn't matter how much pain I was in or how tired I was; my workouts were everything to me, and I HAD to get them in, even though I knew I'd pay for it later with so much pain I could barely walk without a cane, days in bed, and lost time at work starting to pile up.
This period of beating myself up went on for years, and during that time I desperately sought out any solution to the autoimmune shackles I had draped around my body. When I think about all the money that I spent on supposed 'cures', I still shake my head. I cannot count how many essential oils, supplements, anti-pain devices, creams, diets, and programs I tried to get rid of the chronic pain and illnesses I had. The lack of support from a broken healthcare system, along with the fact that many doctors don't even believe that fibromyalgia and other autoimmune disorders exist made me feel like I was being looked down on with accusatory eyes that seemed to say I was faking, I worked out so hard that my body just finally 'broke'. I started gaining weight again and suffered from bouts of depression and anxiety; constantly worried that my body wasn't going to let me do the things I wanted. I cannot count the visits to friends and family that were canceled because I hurt too much, nor can I count the times that I forced myself to go to an engagement or even to work only to have to leave early because the pain got so bad I could barely drive.
Finally, around 2018, I finally had to admit to myself that I simply was not the same person that I was back before the chronic illness hit me. I took a step back from everything I was still trying to be and took a long, hard look at those goals. I decided I wasn't going to give the goals up fully, but that I needed time to learn to work WITH my body, and not against it. I started slowly adding physical activity such as walks and gentle yoga back into my daily routine. I worked on getting at least 8 to 9 hours of sleep a day, and most importantly, I started not beating myself up when the things I had planned for myself to do weren't possible anymore. I started not only learning about my body and its newer limitations, but I also started learning about myself, and why I wanted to be this physically powerful woman in the first place. It was very hard and tedious work, and I'm still working through it, but I can say that I've come a long way. Working with my body, I've been able to start running again, (albeit at a slower pace,) restart my yoga, and include some strength training.
Women suffer a lot of stigmas when it comes to their health. We are told to be at war with our bodies. To restrict its calorie, to push to do more and go further when we are tired, or to pretend nothing is wrong and deal with our mystery illnesses in silence. And when we speak out, we are told that some symptom is 'all in our head', due to poorly managed weight, diet, exercise, or just a symptom of having a menstrual period. And when we finally get the diagnosis, it takes a significant period of time to finally understand how to work with our maladies and not against them. I hope that my story helps others know that they are not alone in this struggle. I hope they realize that there are ways to work through things, but that the way through is often with learning about what your new limits are and working within those limits. But most of all, I just hope this story brings hope to someone suffering from chronic illness.
