Brianna’s Story: Getting out of the hole

I grew up in a toxic home. I’m the oldest of 3 kids. My dad was a bipolar, short tempered alcoholic. My poor mother is a battered woman. Not only was my mother hit in front of me on MANY occasions but us young children we were abused too. Unfortunately, I got the worst of it the older i got. I started to self harm when I was 12. I had my first suicide attempt when I was 13. Then 5 more attempts came along. I couldn’t live this life to not know what family love is.

When I was a freshman, my dad & I got into an altercation over my grades in school. He chased me through the house to pull my hair & slam my head against the wall. I had enough. I went to my school counselor the next day, for urgent help. She called CPS for me. I not only was trying to protect myself BUT i was protecting my younger sister & brother too. So when the CPS person mentioned going through therapy, we had 2 choices. Family therapy or my own personal therapy. My dad pushed me into therapy as he thought I was “out of control”. Though, I knew I wasn’t the problem. After this, the physical abuse stopped. But the mental & verbal abuse only got worse.

Later down the road, I start dating a guy in my grade who I had known for the long time. We dated throughout high school & after we graduated, things took a turn. A bad turn. I started getting verbally abused by him. We got engaged months after we graduate high school. BIG MISTAKE. Yeah, I know young, dumb & in love. I’ve learned my lesson. Anyway, I start attending at Washtenaw Community College the winter of 2019. After my first day, I went over to see him. We decided to go out to dinner that night. I had a car at the time so I drove us. On our way, we start to bicker over something small. He got so mad, he started screaming at me. From the top of his lungs, it continued. I’m trying to drive while bawling my eyes out as I’m not sure what will happen next. He punched my car door so hard, he left blood. I was so shocked at what just happened, I had to pull over into a Walmart parking lot. This is something I have never forgotten.

Months go by, things seem to be okay until we had argument over something I saw on his phone. We yelled at each other in bed & next thing i knew, i got a elbow to my chest. I couldn’t breathe. This is the first time I’ve been struck by someone other than my dad. I was in pain. I was numb. But, i let it slide as I felt like this was the norm for me. He constantly fat shamed me, made fun of me, made fun of my siblings & was over all two faced. The physical abuse only continued as he would punch my thighs or my arms causing visible bruising. I had to lie to my friends & family. My siblings knew what was going on.

“Oh, we were just messing around.”

When really, I was trapped in a hole I felt I couldn’t get out of. But something big was coming my way. I get a the phone call.

“I don’t think we should be together anymore. I don’t love you anymore.”

Was this my freedom? Was this relieve? I wasn’t sure but at the same time. I knew I was going to be alone. No one would want someone who doesn’t know how to be loved properly. I had to now work so hard on mental health. But quarantine happened & not only was a stuck at home for a while, my dad was sent home for 3 months. The dad I had during those 3 months was the dad I wish I had all the time. This man ate lunch with me so I wouldn’t feel alone. He talked to me like an adult.

In June I met my boyfriend, Alexander. I learned that he too had an abusive ex. Which was interesting to hear as you rarely hear men being abused.

Unfortunately, Alex knew from the start that my dad was abusive just by the comments he made in front of me. The verbal abuse started again & the mental abuse only got worse. After 2 months of dating, Alex’s family offered to have me stay with them. Alex’s mom had a toxic home life growing up too. She understood. On August 26th, I had enough. Alex drove me back to my house & i was ready to stand up to the man who abused me for 19 years. I walked into that house & told him I was leaving & I couldn’t live here anymore. The words of truth were spilling out like a waterfall. I packed my bag & left. Before I could leave behind my old childhood home, my dad comes out asking about my laptop. How crazy is it to be more concerned about technology rather than your daughter? But regardless, I was free. Only to become stronger.

I am now 21 years old. I’m bettering myself everyday. I’ve been a year & a half clean from self harm. I am working hard to finish my college degree & to be came a successful photographer. I have a wonderful man who is supportive & caring. I now live in a home that is full of love & support rather than at each others throats. I want to be inspirational. For as young as I am, I’ve been through it.

This is my story.