E.J.'s Story - Despite my struggles, I am grateful.

Born an unwanted child into a dysfunctional marriage that ended in divorce when I was 4 years old set the stage for my dysfunctional life. While my mom was spinning out of control with manic depression; and my invisible dad nowhere around, I entered into school an already neglected child. Not only did students pick up on my vibe and torment me, but I was physically abused by my first grade teacher and humiliated daily by my second grade teacher. I was pulverized daily by the playground bully. This was my life until the seventh grade.

I was moved to a private church school by my mother and my step-father who recently converted from alcoholism to Christianity. Things were better in some ways but by then I had already developed mental and emotional disabilities. After awhile I was struggling with a roller coaster of emotions. Some of it was growing pains but some of it was what was becoming engrained in my psyche. Absent father, mentally disturbed mother, and clueless step-father I grew into an emotionally starved young woman with a very low self esteem. I entered into one abusive relationship to the next.

My first ex liked to beat my pregnant belly and then run out and cheat on me. The next ex liked to mentally torture me. Yet I gave him a son. Back in those days women were not heard so telling on my abusers was not an option. During my pregnancy with my daughter I was abused by my ob/gyn but I wouldn't know what he had done to me until 4 years later when I was pregnant with my son. I realized my care was very different from my first pregnancy and I asked questions only to be shocked by the answers. In the 80's I would not be believed so I tried to put it out of my mind and move on for the sake of my kids. I struggled through several more abusive relationships and somewhere along the way I decided enough was enough. I didn't know at the time what a bottom line was but I now had one.

I was finally seeking the therapy that I needed. In 2012 I married a man who treats me with respect and love. Most likely I will always need therapy as I have been diagnosed with PTSD with what I call "brown outs". I have some kind of flashbacks where I lose my sense of time and space when I come out of it. I have gotten lost while driving because of these episodes. I never thought I had depression but my doctor has pointed out my symptoms. The symptoms became very apparent when I was forced to end my dads life support. I guess I have never have been able to forgive myself for making that decision. I was very aware of my anxiety. I talk a little too fast. I have restless leg syndrome and I bounce them all of the time. I get overwhelmed when I have to go places and so on. I also have focus issues which you may have detected in this essay.

I am grateful for an understanding husband, my therapist, and my trauma specialist. Despite the struggles I am grateful that my experiences have taught me to recognize others in these situations so that I can offer support, advice and a hand up if needed. Im grateful for what my life has taught me so that I may be empathetic and be able meet people where they are at. If I could change anything it would be how my disfunction affected my children. If I could erase all of that pain for them I would. Sadly I can only hope for their forgiveness and love.